Sunday, August 7, 2011

Darkness

Just after my previous post, Ken and I both fell into a "funk" that we knew would hit.  We were both so tired, it physically hurt.  Emotionally, we were drained.  Sleep deprived, trying to adjust to schedules, sick boys, Hannah sick, trying to parent these two new members of the family and still run the house and, for Ken, get back to work.  Tuesday really was tough for us.  I would describe it as dark, desperate, and depressing.

The beauty?  We knew to expect it!  We are so very thankful for adoptive parents who were honest about their adoption experience.  We're grateful for those who don't try to make it all look like sunshine and rainbows.  We had been told we would go through a grieving period.  Just like the boys will grieve for all they lost (birth families, foster family, nannies, the familiar), we will grieve for our "past life."  Having three kids above age eight is a breeze compared to having five kids, two of them toddlers who are new to your family, your routine, your country, time zone, and your culture.  Tuesday was the day the thought of "What have we DONE?!" popped into our heads.  What would we be doing right now if we hadn't gone to China?  How in heaven's name am I going to homeschool my school-aged kids with these needy boys around?  How am I going to give Travis, especially, the one-on-one time he needs to language development?  What. Have. We. Done?!

Again, because those who went before us told us that feeling would come, then would go because God's mercy is new every morning, we acknowledged this feeling to each other and, as best we could, laughed it off.  For me, I told Ken, through tears, "I know it will get better. I have no regrets.  But for the moment, this sucks."

And guess what?  God's mercies ARE new every morning.  Each morning got a little better.  Each night, the boys slept longer and longer with fewer wake-ups.  For the past 3 nights, the boys have slept at least 9 hours.  They're going to bed close to 8:00 and waking around 5:00.  We still hope to tweak that a bit so that they sleep more like 9pm to 6:30 or 7:00, but we can't complain about their sleep schedule right now. It's truly amazing and an answer to prayer. 

What God called us to do, He will carry it to completion.  He didn't call us to lead an easy life with few cares.  He called us to do this amazing, hard, beautiful, blessed thing by parenting FIVE kids. Ken and I couldn't be more joy-filled than we are with our five Brownies.  They bless our life and those blessings far outweigh the tough and sometimes dark times.

3 comments:

  1. Sarah, I am with you and have had similar thoughts over the past few weeks. I can honestly say, though, being a week or so "ahead" of you guys in terms of being home, it continues to get a little bit better every day. I see God's care for us in the meals our friends have provided, in the moments when our children are playing together without fighting (few and far between for our two-year-old, who has lost his place as our "baby", but still happening from time to time), and in how my husband and I are working together and supporting each other, knowing that we are both doing the best that we can. Keep the faith and be good to yourselves - you have taken on so much, and your children are so blessed to have you and Ken as their parents.

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  2. Amen, sister! God calls us to a radical, "do-hard-things" kind of lifestyle, and where He guides, He will provide. So thankful you are choosing to see the evidence of His grace and provision.

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  3. praying that the adjustment goes smoothly for all of you...thankful that you have such awonderful support system in place!

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