Lately, I've joked with others that I feel "bipolar" during my conversations with God. No, I'm not manic depressive, but as the third definition on dictionary.com puts it: characterized by opposite extremes, as two conflicting political philosophies.
My conversations go like this:
God, You said in Jeremiah 10:23 that I don't direct my own steps. You don't owe me an explanation.
But also in Psalm 37, You told me You wanted to give me the desires of my heart. I'm desiring for You to share with me Your plan! Is that fair?
I'm trusting You--I really am! But I'm also scared and worried.
At the same time, I'm not because of Your reminder in that same Psalm to rest in You and trust in You.
Lord, I'm asking for our house to sell this week. In our eyes, the sale of the house will fun the adoption, but I'm not limiting Your ways and plans. So even if the house doesn't sell, my faith in You will remain.
And back and forth it goes. I also must admit that while it sounds very holy to want to sell the house to fund the adoption, we also are becoming scared as a result of our own foolishness. When we decided to put the house on the market, the apartment unit we wanted to rent became available. At that time in December, we went ahead and reserved that unit, obligating us to an 18-month lease beginning February 15th. Dave Ramsey would be ashamed! We basically committed to pay for something we truly, as of this moment, can't afford. Without this foolish mistake, we would still be anxious for the house to sell quickly, because, that is our plan to fund the adoption. The sooner the better since our dossier should be going to China next week. But our desire to "determine our own steps" has produced a much greater anxiety and has serious consequences. We don't expect God to bail us out of stupidity.
This article has provided just the right scripture for my prayers today. Go check them all out, but here are some phrases from various verses:
The way of man is not himself...
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding...
...He will direct your paths...
The Lord will guide you continually.
The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord.
Ken, the Brownies and I sincerely appreciate your prayers. I'm humbled by how many of you remember us and think of our family.