I'm pressed, but not crushed;
Persecuted, not abandoned;
Struck down, but not destroyed.
I'm blessed beyond the curse
because His promise will endure
and His joy is going to be my strength.
Though sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes in the morning.
--Trading My Sorrows, Darrell Evans
Down. Weary. Dismayed. Disheartened. Weighed down. Worn.
In my years, I've learned not to use the word "depressed" lightly. When I'm feeling down, I don't say that I am depressed. I won't say it here today, either, but I feel like I'm certainly feeling physical as well as emotional effects from being "down."
Over the past few weeks, I've been unmotivated to get up, get dressed, and get out. I'd rather stay home and in my PJs. I feel like a fat blob, which doesn't help the getting dressed and getting out.
Since this time last year, I've successfully dropped every outside obligation other than church and immediate family, and have learned I function well on a mostly-full plate.
Don't misunderstand! I'm glad I dropped the other responsibilities because that time will be filled up with 2 toddlers soon enough, but in the interm, I'm just blah. At first, I enjoyed the free time I had and truly relished it, knowing it will all end quickly, but I'm done. I'm ready to go already and am ready to be busy again.
Ken and I have a lot we need to do before travel. We have a few last-minute items to buy, documents to gather, checklists to check, bags to pack, money (or no money) to budget, and some toddler-proofing to do around the house. Even with so much to get done, I feel (and I think Ken feels about the same way) stuck. Waiting for these last few steps, especially TA (travel approval), have proven grueling!
Back when we were waiting for LOA, my inbox flooded with emails from a group of adoptive parents on our loop stressing and lamenting over their TA wait. I ended up deleting the unread messages any time I saw the "TA wait" subject come up in my inbox. I swore I would not be so stressed out about silly little TA, but that I would just expect to wait 4 weeks and be happy we were on the last leg of our wait. Ha! Before I had kids, I also said my kid would "never talk to me that way." Oh, to be young and naive! Well, I was naive a few weeks ago while waiting for LOA. This TA wait is a true test of mental health. Having bronchitis in the midst of all of it hasn't helped much either.
Now that I've shared about my feeling disheartened, lethargic, and unmotivated, I'll tell you what I intend to do about it:
-Tomorrow, I'm getting my blubbery butt out of bed before 9am for a change to go walk/run. I'm so accustomed to exercise (and truly love it) that I'm pretty sure the lack of it is contributing to my feelings.
-Look to the place hope and encouragement are found. I fill my time researching the kids' histories, organizing stuff, surfing adoption sites online, and neglect to go first to my Comforter for comfort. Hello!!
Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”
The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.